


The trouble with dragons

by GayDemonicDisaster (scrapheapchallenge)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale Being an Idiot (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Chinese Dragon, Chinese New Year, Comedy, Crowley Being an Idiot (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, Old Married Couple, ineffable bitching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22391371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrapheapchallenge/pseuds/GayDemonicDisaster
Summary: A certain time of year could be problematic for Crowley…Because the last thing he’d been expecting when he wandered into the shopping centre was to come face to face with a dragon........Some ineffable husbands bickering, mostly.A gift to theycallmeDernhelm for the fic prompt on twitter.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 63
Kudos: 177
Collections: Aziraphale's Library Festive Fic Recs





	The trouble with dragons

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theycallmeDernhelm (onyourleft084)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onyourleft084/gifts).



A certain time of year could be problematic for Crowley…

Because the last thing he’d been expecting when he wandered into the shopping centre was to come face to face with a dragon.

Admittedly, this one was brightly coloured, with huge goggling eyes, lots of very human feet, and rather noisy. It clacked its wooden mouth at him.

Oh bugger.

He dropped Aziraphale’s hand and ran.

He felt like a blessed idiot for doing so, but he couldn’t help it, his skin was crawling, his hair standing on end and his mouth felt like he’d just bitten down on tinfoil. His ears were ringing.

He ran out of steam after a while, charging through the Saturday afternoon shoppers in the town centre, and eventually paused to catch his breath, chest heaving, then collapsed onto a convenient bench.

After several minutes, Aziraphale sat down beside him. There was a silent pause.

“So…” the angel began.

“… do you want to talk about it?”

“Ngh.”

Aziraphale nodded. After a moment he unfolded his hands from his lap and reached across to take one of Crowley’s gently into his.

They sat for a while.

“It really has an effect on you then?”

Crowley grimaced. “mmph.” – An affirmative sound mumbled out.

“Isn’t it just the lions who drive demons away then?”

Crowley grunted. “Don’t you believe it. It’s both of the buggers. One _bit_ me once.”

Aziraphale looked confused. “It _bit_ you?”

“That’s what I said, Angel.”

“Are we talking a real dragon here, or a puppet one?”

“A real one you idiot. Humans don’t generally assault people properly with wooden dragons.”

“A real dragon… bit you…?”

“Yes!” Crowley snapped.

“… May I ask… why?”

Crowley tipped his head back and sighed. The bloody angel was not going to let this drop, was he?

“I’d been causing a bit of mischief in a village, somewhere in the Tianjin region I think. Nothing major, just enough to piss off the local deities. I was releasing a load of pigs into the fields of the local lord, who, to be frank, was a complete bastard, so they’d rip up his crops, when next thing I know, CHOMP.” He winced at the memory.

“Bloody great big dragon bit me on the arse and told me to sod off and never darken his doorstep again.”

Aziraphale stared at him incredulously. “What, really?”

Crowley glared at him. “You’ve seen my arse, Angel. Never wondered about the teeth marks on it?”

Aziraphale squirmed uncomfortably. “I rather assumed they were the result of some of your less… savoury exploits at some point.”

Crowley continued to glare at him. “You think a human bit my arse during some temptation sex?”

Aziraphale shrugged. “I don’t see why not, it _is_ rather delectable.” He spared the demon a sly grin, hinting that he would absolutely like to try doing so at some point.

“Besides, human bites wouldn’t scar – not supernatural injuries. Dragons are supernatural.”

“So why the reaction to the puppet ones, they can’t hurt you can they?”

Crowley sighed again. “It’s the _belief_ , Aziraphale. Enough people believe in something for long enough, and it becomes reality, like vampires not liking crosses and stuff. Billions of people have believed for centuries that dragons and lions will scare demons away. They’ve believed it so hard for so long, that it’s true. It doesn’t matter whether I, personally believe in it or not, it still happens.”

“So what happens?” Aziraphale was curious.

“Eurgh. Just, like, an overwhelming need to get away, like all my nerve endings are turned up to eleven, everything is just too much, like your skin is two sizes too small, everything is too bright, too loud, too smelly, too touchy, like your clothes hurt your skin. Just too intense all over, and it doesn’t stop until I get far enough away. It also means that I can’t go back to that bloody shopping centre until the effect has worn off again.”

“How long with that be?”

Crowley shrugged. “Anything from a few weeks to a few months, depends how well the performers did the dance I suppose, and how many people took notice. Pretty much consecrated the ground for a while.” He paused, his nose crinkled in disgust. “Which is bloody annoying, because one of my favourite shops was in there. I’ll have to add it to the list of places I’m not welcome for a while, like the Turkish café round the corner who put a nazar boncuğu over the door – one of those blue evil eye charms.”

Aziraphale pondered for a moment.

“What about horseshoes?”

Crowley nodded. “Them too. Horseshoes above the door burn like hell when you try to walk under them.”

“So I could put one over the pantry door to stop you from pinching my macarons when you get peckish?”

Crowley shot him a look. “I do _not_ steal your macarons, Angel, that’s you, sleepwalking.”

“How about a St. Christopher charm to hang from the rear view mirror of the Bentley. Would that slow you down?”

“That’d just make me annoyed, and fling both it, and you, out of the window.”

“Bunch of cinnamon over the door?”

Crowley shrugged at that one. “I’d probably just take it down and use it to bake you something.”

“Rosemary?”

“See previous point.”

Crowley turned toward Aziraphale.

“Are you just trying to find ways to mess with me, Angel?”

“Well, you have to admit, it’s amusing.”

Crowley snorted. “For you, maybe.”

“I still think you’re eating the macarons.”

“Well then, how about I draw a pentagram over the pantry door and we’ll see, shall we? No angels allowed.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“Try me.”

They sat for a moment.

“How about, I get you some Turkish coffee from the café down the road, and you buy extra macarons on the next trip to the bakery?”

Crowley sighed and stood up, taking Aziraphale’s hand. “Deal.”

**Author's Note:**

> ... I’m naming the dragon Mushu 🐉😂
> 
> I HC the village guardian dragon was nowhere near as big as Crowley pretends it was. 😉
> 
> Dragon: “Dishonour on YOU, dishonour on your Bentley...”


End file.
